The Drunken Blog

According to Dictionary.com, the word “flabbergasted” is defined “as if dumbstruck with astonishment and surprise.” This hilarious definition is exactly how I feel at the moment. The reason is the release of Paris Hilton from jail after just three days confinement. Ok, I know what you’re thinking. “C’mon, it was obvious she was going to get out early for some stupid reason or another.”

You’re right. We all knew it would happen. It’s not the fact that she’s been released or even the period of time she actually spent in the big house. What has me “dumbstruck with astonishment and surprise” is the purported reason she was released early. The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department said “medical considerations” were the reason she was released and placed on house arrest. However, it’s been reported that the “medical considerations” were that the heiress refused to eat the prison food. (more…)

The Fox News Channel has a new show called the Half Hour News Hour.  This show tells the news in a humorous manner.  Basically, it’s a cross between “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update.”  Except, this program has a shocking twist—it leans towards conservatism.

I know. You’re shocked.  Fox News is airing a program with a conservative slant.  Imagine that.  I can clearly picture the inception of this show.  A bunch of interns were sitting around at Fox News watching the Daily Show and griping about how all their favorite people kept getting thrashed.  Angered by this injustice—and tired of being hit on by Bill O’Reilly, they decided they could do better.  They had their concept: The Half Hour News Hour – By Fox News Interns, Starring Fox News Interns, For… Well, Fox News Interns.  They just needed the man to make it happen.  They set up a meeting with the show’s eventual executive producer— Joel Surnow. (more…)

I want to get this drunk

Because I know you are too lazy to actually click the link I’ll sum it up for you: some guy from Germany was at a bar and he was riding his horse home. Somewhere along the way he decided he was “too drunk” and too cold to make it the rest of the way home, so he went into the lobby of a bank to rest. When he found out there was no hitching post at the bank (No hitching post, are we living in the 2980’s?!), he decided he would have to bring is horse in with him.

First of all, the article said it was cold outside and that’s why the rider went in the bank. Not because he felt that he was too drunk. Well, let me tell you something, if you are drunk enough to pass out in a bank lobby with your horse, you are drunk enough so that you won’t feel the cold outside. He was probably just really tired and he thought the bank was his home. He was confused when he couldn’t find the hitching post, but by that point it was too late to reconsider, so he went into the bank, passed out, and then used the cold as an excuse the next morning.

What a genius idea; you ride a horse while you’re drinking so that you can’t get in trouble for drinking and driving. The same can’t even be said for riding a bike! As far as I know, there are no laws saying that you must be of sound mind to operate a horse.

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A friend recently sent me an article that basically said that drinking fruity drinks is good for you. Apparently the alcohol ups the antioxidants in fruit. Of course, in the article it says a “splash” of alcohol is what makes it better, therefore, drowning the fruit in alcohol makes it even better, I’m sure (that’s why the jungle juice we made was so good).

Most guys have an aversion to drinking fruity cocktails (aka, girl drinks). I’m sure there are several reasons for it. Guys are supposed to like beer and hard liquor. Guys are supposed to get drunk despite the fact that Natty Light tastes like urine from a billy goat. If a guy isn’t man enough to endure that acrid taste until he’s drunk enough to not taste it, than he is ripe for ridicule.

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Circuit City, where I worked for 4 years up until last October, just cut 3400 jobs nationwide. In the store that I used to work at (with about 60 employees total) 11 were cut. They decided to cut everybody that was 51 cents over the wage cap for each specific position. A lot of these people were left over from when they originally fired people in 2003 when they switched from commission to hourly.

A friend of mine who had been there for 7 years was laid off. He received 4 weeks pay as severance. The sad thing about his situation is that he was a PC tech but he switched to customer service in order to help the store. Well, customer service has a much lower cap than a PC tech does. They did not give him the opportunity to switch back.

Many of the people laid off were career workers. At the store I used to work at, out of the 11 people laid off, 9 of them are over 40. I’m sure they will be able to find another job, but not paying as well (which wasn’t that well in the first place), and of course they lost all of their benefits.

I’m sure a lot of you don’t really want to hear about these individuals, and I can’t blame you. But, you should know that this will definitely affect your experience at Circuit City. Not only will they be short staffed, but the best and most knowledgeable, veteran associates will no longer be there. Everybody that the young guys went to when they had a question are gone. So, you can either expect a lot of made up answers (if you can find somebody to help you), or a lot of associates simply saying they don’t know.

Even after having worked there for four years, I have to go to somebody that I know for help, I get too frustrated with the normal associates. At my local store, the people to whom I can now rely on are mostly gone. Rock.

Read about it: Forbes.com

One thing I love about making shoddy decisions involving alcohol is that there is always a silver lining explanation of the event. I came across an article where a gymnastics coach gave alcohol to the 16 year old male team manager in exchange for watching her 11 year old daughter while she and her boyfriend were out of town.

There are a lot of things wrong with this situation. First of all, this coach is 30 and has an 11 year old daughter and is a teacher. With how the teaching system works these days, I’m surprised they ever let her be a teacher, I mean, that would mean that she was 19 when she gave birth. I find that pretty impressive actually. Somehow it wouldn’t surprise me if alcohol was the reason that her daughter is alive. Whoever said that alcohol only ruins lives obviously doesn’t look at all the lives that are created because of it.

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Part of the college experience is going to visit friends at their respective schools. There are all sorts of things that you learn, from local house rule variants for king’s cup, or you may learn that your favorite drinking pass time, beer pong, is actually called beirut.

I came across an article the other day that reminded me of a time I visited one of my good friends at Lehigh University in Pennsylvania. This is one of those crazy northerner schools where they refer to the game of throwing ping pong balls into cups filled with beer as beirut instead of beer pong. They claim that beer pong is played with paddles. Crazy northerners…

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