Surviving Christmas (Parties)
It’s that time of year again… Bells are ringing, lights are being hung and thousands are invading the malls, prepared for epic battle, in search of the perfect gift. No, it’s not wedding season… It’s Christmas. And with it comes those perfect occasions we all dread, at least in some small capacity, in the deepest recesses in the pits of our stomachs: The Christmas Party. Be it at home with our relatives or at the office with the co-workers, it’s go time for awkwardness.
You probably thought it couldn’t get much worse than Thanksgiving… But it can… And it will. Family gatherings can be a lot like a bad relationship after you’re out of it… You look back and remember the good parts with complete amnesia about all the bad parts. But then, as soon as you walk back in the door, it all comes flooding back to you. And all of a sudden, you want out. Where’s my jacket? “I think someone has $#!% on the coats!” Office parties aren’t any better. What’s worse than being paid to spend all day with people you can barely stand in the first place? Not being paid to spend a night with people you can barely stand in the first place. You might be thinking right now “No way. I love my family and I have great co-workers.” But deep down, you know it’s true. And so, in the spirit of giving, in this episode I will share with you some tips for surviving those maladroit moments.
Tip #1: Don’t Get Drunk. This is number one because it’s usually people’s biggest mistake. Notice, I didn’t say “don’t drink.” For one thing, this is the drunken blog and I’m pretty sure telling you not to drink is against the rules. Alcohol is a social lubricant. But too much lube can make you slip and bust your arse. Get wasted with your friends. Not in front of grandma or your boss. Getting drunk will put you well on your way to Christmas Party infamy. You’ll do something or say something you’ll regret. From that moment on, whenever the subject of the Christmas Party comes up, some d-bag will say “Remember that year, when…” Don’t be that guy. Let someone else be that guy… Then be that d-bag who says “Remember that year, when Meredith got wasted and flashed Michael in his office? I wonder what happened to that picture he took.”
Tip #2: Don’t Don Juan. This isn’t the time for romance. Lots of people are lonely around the holidays and being around people you’re familiar with at an office party can lull you into a false sense of security. I’m about as big of a The Office fan as there is out there, but you’ll go into it thinking you’re pulling a Jim and Pam and end up pulling an Andy and Angela. For you non-Office aficionados, that’s bad. Delay your declaration to your soul mate of your true love for a more private setting. It’ll help limit witnesses for the sexual harassment lawsuit. By the way, this is also true for family Christmas Parties. Don’t think you’d ever slip up and hit on that cute cousin?* Just refer back to Tip #1.
Tip #3: Know Your Audience. At some point, you will hit that point where you’re standing face-to-face with someone after exchanging a brief greeting and realize you have absolutely nothing to talk about with this person. That’s when you panic and blurt out something along the lines of “So… How about that (local sports team)? They were quite impressive the other day in defeating (the visitors.)” or “Been cold lately, hasn’t it?” In December? Imagine that. Plan ahead. Think about a few things to talk about with everyone you know will be there. And also think about what not to talk about. Cousin Eddie in the process of becoming Cousin Edna ? Don’t ask Auntie Marie how his(her?) love life is going. And at work, this will keep you from talking shop. It’s a party. Who wants to talk about work? If you just don’t know… or care… about your co-workers, then come up with a few canned topics to talk about that are fail safe… ie, not politics, religion or the chances the receptionist has contracted an STD.
Tip #4: Pull You Weight. Chances are, you’re not the only one who doesn’t want to be there. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Everyone can, and should, contribute to a Christmas party. Of course, each person will have their own unique talents. If you’re the music guy, make a sweet Christmas mix. If you’re a great cook, then bake your buns off. (I apologize for that one, I couldn’t resist.) If you’re the life of the party, then bring a party game that everyone will enjoy. Even just being the host is contribution enough. However, this tip has a caveat: don’t force it. The line between party superhero and epic fail can be thin on this one. Not everybody defines a great Christmas mix as Jay-Z’s greatest hits. Even the best cook can miss the mark by making enchiladas for a Christmas party. And for you hard chargers, I doubt your grandma is interested in a game of Kings Cup. Just remember Tip #3: Know Your Audience.
Tip #5: Dress the Part. Ladies: Nobody wants to see you celebrate the birth of a beautiful, 8 pound, 6 ounce Baby Jesus (A man who died for the redemption of your sins) by wearing an 8-inch skirt, stilettos, a tube top and enough makeup to paint a barn. Gentlemen: You have to dress up. At least a little bit. I know, it sucks. But this is one of those occasions where it’s best to over dress than show up in your tattered jeans and that Back To The Future t-shirt you found on the net. Look sharp. Trust me, it’ll get you prepared for Tip #6.
Tip #6: Have an Escape Plan. By the end of the night, you’ll be considering fashioning a rope out of bath towels and rappelling out of a window to get out of there. Yup. At some point, you’ll look around and the most exciting thing in the room will be Great Uncle Pete drooling, half passed out in front of the TV watching reruns of Frazier. That’s your cue to exit, stage left. If you don’t plan this right, you can really offend your host. Since that’s probably a close relative or your boss, you’ll want to avoid that.
Come up with an exit strategy before you get there and make sure you hint at it as soon as possible. If you can, bring it up before the party. You’ll have to be casual about it at first. But when the time comes, commit to it and never look back. I tend to double book Christmas Parties whenever possible. I’ll plan to go to the less stimulating event first, then wait for the moment to strike. Just make sure your excuse is believable and you don’t pull the trigger too soon. Sorry, but 30 minutes in is just too soon. Rule of thumb: Someone will have a legitimate excuse to leave. Wait 15 minutes until after the first person leaves, then go for it. If nobody leaves, you may have to bite the bullet. But remember: Commit and don’t look back.
Following these simple tips may not make it the best Christmas Party ever, but it will keep you out of trouble. Save the shenanigans for your friends. They already know what a degenerate you are. Just remember, in the immortal words of Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: ”Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re going to press on, and we’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house.”
*If you’re reading this from West Virginia, I guess that’s technically legal, but I still don’t recommend it.
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