The End of the World as We Know It
So, I know what you’re thinking. It’s been a while. And I apologize. Allow me to explain. You see, I’ve been away. Far away. On the other side of the world, in fact. I spent the last year in the Oriental paradise known as South Korea. What can I say? My job takes me crazy places sometimes. And I know what you’re thinking, now. What more interesting to blog about than living abroad? Well, to be honest, the majority of my time there was spent working… not sightseeing. So, I figured I would spare us both the effort and avoid the exercise in futility.
Now, I’ve been trying to decide an appropriate topic for my anticipated return (well… anticipated by one or two people, anyway). There are plenty of blog-worthy topics out there right now just waiting to be expounded upon. But none were grand enough an entrance. Then, finally, it hit me. What better topic for a new beginning… than the end? The end of the world.
Believe it or not, this conversation has been coming up a lot lately in conversations. I think it has a lot to do with all the press that’s been going around for the end of the Mayan Calendar. Every time I get into this conversation, I find myself trying to explain how the Mayan Calendar is coming to an end and that people believe its end could mean the end of the world. So, I figured I’d write this blog about it so, in the future, I can save my breath and send a link.
As with all my blogs, I have researched this topic in great depth… in between the commercials on my favorite TV shows (My TiVo is broken right now, so I have to suffer through them). It turns out there are a few other theories that add to the assumption that the world will end in 2012. This guy has done a nice job of summing up some of the more… ahem… popular theories for our impending demise. Hence, I figure it’s only fair to quote him and then add my two cents.
1. Mayan Calendar
“The first mob to predict 2012 as the end of the world were the Mayans, a bloodthirsty race that were good at two things:
Building highly accurate astrological equipment out of stone and
Sacrificing Virgins.
Thousands of years ago they managed to calculate the length of the lunar moon as 329.53020 days, only 34 seconds out. The Mayan calendar predicts that the Earth will end on December 21, 2012. Given that they were pretty close to the mark with the lunar cycle, it’s likely they’ve got the end of the world right as well.”
Ok, the Mayans have never said the earth will end. They have said there will be a major event. Some people think that’s good, some people think that’s bad. But, really, what we’re looking at is the end of a really long calendar. Let’s think about it… What happens when our calendar year ends? It resets and starts again… December 31st leads to January 1st. Granted, it’s a much larger calendar than ours, but what did we think when our millennium came to an end? Anyone remember Y2K? Where were you when the ball dropped January 1st, 2000? If the answer is a bunker filled with beanie weenies and “D” batteries, this theory is for you. I guess we can call this Y2K2… or something.
2. Sun Storms
“Solar experts from around the world monitoring the sun have made a startling discovery: our sun is in a bit of strife. The energy output of the sun is, like most things in nature, cyclic, and it’s supposed to be in the middle of a period of relative stability. However, recent solar storms have been bombarding the Earth with so much radiation energy, it’s been knocking out power grids and destroying satellites. This activity is predicted to get worse, and calculations suggest it’ll reach its deadly peak sometime in 2012.”
All right, seriously. This theory is about half a century ahead of “The Sun God is going to smite us.” Short of our sun having a heart attack, this one ain’t happening. However, if the 3G network going down is akin to the world ending for you, you may have something to worry about. Still, if Armageddon and Deep Impact have taught me anything, it’s that any celestial being wrought to destroy the world will quickly be identified and the crisis averted by astronauts… and off-shore drillers.
3. The Atom Smasher
“Scientists in Europe have been building the world’s largest particle accelerator. Basically its a 27km tunnel designed to smash atoms together to find out what makes the Universe tick. However, the mega-gadget has caused serious concern, with some scientists suggesting that it’s properly even a bad idea to turn it on in the first place. They’re predicting all manner of deadly results, including mini black holes. So when this machine is fired up for its first serious experiment in 2012, the world could be crushed into a super-dense blob the size of a basketball.”
Otherwise known as the Large Hadron Collider, this particle accelerator isn’t legitimately believed to be harmful to our universe. I mean, really, are we supposed to believe some mad scientist bent on the destruction of the world is orchestrating this while trying to fend off bad PR? I think Superman can sit this one out. I read somewhere that Stephen Hawking bet someone a hundred bucks that this thing wouldn’t destroy the world. I’m taking Stephen Hawking’s side on this one. In case you don’t trust Stephen Hawking like I do, you can always check out this website for updates: http://www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com/
4. The Bible says…
“If having scientists warning us about the end of the world isn’t bad enough,religious folks are getting in on the act as well. Interpretations of the Christian Bible reveal that the date for Armageddon, the final battle between Good an Evil, has been set down for 2012. The I Ching, also known as the Chinese book of Changes, says the same thing, as do various sections of the Hindu teachings.”
Uhm… I’m going to go with No on this one. This is one of those Nostradamus theories. Sure, Nostradamus’ predictions can be applied to a lot of things… Because they’re so broad. But really, apocalypse enthusiasts, do you have to bring up the second coming every time people start getting hot and bothered about the end of the world? At least these other theories are fresh. You’re like a Britney Spears album… the same song over and over.
5. Super Volcano
“Yellowstone National Park in the United States is famous for its thermal springs and Old Faithful geyser. The reason for this is simple - it’s sitting on top of the world’s biggest volcano, and geological experts are beginning to get nervous sweats. The Yellowstone volcano has a pattern of erupting every 650,000 years or so, and we’re many years overdue for an explosion that will fill the atmosphere with ash, blocking the sun and plunging the Earth into a frozen winter that could last up to 15,000 years. The pressure under the Yellowstone is building steadily, and geologists have set 2012 as a likely date for the big bang.”
Does this remind anyone else of a CBS movie of the week? I can already see the poor production quality and cheesy acting. I think the TV networks dreamed this one up so they’d have something for the Nielsen Ratings.
6. The Physicists
“This one’s a case of bog-simple mathematics. Physicists at Berekely Uni have been crunching the numbers. and they’ve determined that the Earth is well overdue for a major catastrophic event. Even worse, they’re claiming their calculations prove, that we’re all going to die, very soon - while also saying their prediction comes with a certainty of 99 percent- and 2012 just happens to be the best guess as to when it occurs.”
Yeah… or you could just be wrong. Whoops, forgot to carry the 3. I mean, come on, Berkeley? They were probably high when they wrote that.
7. Slip-Slop-Slap-BANG!
“We all know the Earth is surrounded by a magnetic field that sheilds us from most of the sun’s radiation. What you might not know is that the magnetic poles we call north and south have a nasty habit of swapping places every 750,000 years or so - and right now we’re about 30,000 years overdue. Scientists have noted that the poles are drifting apart roughly 20-30kms each year, much faster than ever before, which points to a pole-shift being right around the corner. While the pole shift is underway, the magnetic field is disrupted and will eventually disappear, sometimes for up to 100 years. The result is enough UV outdoors to crisp your skin in seconds, killing everything it touches.”
If this happens, it’s because Arthur Petrelli ultimately succeeds in destroying the world. Save the cheerleader, save the world. But, honestly, if this happens every 750,000 years and UV rays go turning life on earth into beef jerky, how is life on earth still around? Although, that may explain why alligators have such leathery skin.
Ok, so there were a few old faithful methods of the apocalypse missing in there: asteroids, global warming, nuclear war, aliens… But we’ve had so many movies about those that they just don’t stick anymore. So my bet is the world won’t end. But if you’re going the other way, save a copy of this blog for me and use it to show future generations how awesome I was. We’ve got another good 4 years to either live life to its fullest or stockpile for the end of days. And if it does, in fact, come to an end in 2012, my guess is it will happen something like this.
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