Half Marathons as a Replacement for Bars
For some reason competitive running and drinking go together. It’s not like drinking and competitive swimming, which can result in death. Interestingly enough, for casual running and casual swimming, the exact opposite is true – you don’t want to go out for a jog when you’re wasted, and somehow when alcohol and a pool come together the clothes come off and the good times begin. In fact, there are many groups dedicated to running and drinking. They say that they are drinkers with a running problem.
A few months ago I signed up for the Rock N’ Roll Half Marathon in Virginia Beach. I did it for several reasons; the first was that it was extremely convenient (if that’s not an oxymoronic statement, then I don’t know what is). The starting line was literally half a mile away from my mom’s house. Secondly, I convinced myself that it would force me to get in shape by training. In fact, I was so confident that I would train and I would best my time of 2 hours and 5 minutes from the last half marathon that I ran that I signed up for another half marathon in Philadelphia only two weeks after the one in Virginia Beach.
It turns out I didn’t train at all. Obviously I didn’t beat my record, but I didn’t do much worse – I finished in 2 hours and 19 minutes, which works out to a 10’38” pace, which placed me in 8,837th place. Not too bad considering there were over 17,000 runners. But I didn’t write this article to brag about my very mediocre performance, I wrote it for two reasons.
The first reason is to let you know that the things that kept me going throughout the entire race were the signs that spectators were holding up that said “Keep going, there’s free beer at the end!” Yes, like I said, beer and competitive running go hand in hand. I finished the race on fumes, and just like Bender from Futurama, I replenished those fumes with beer. My only complaint was the fact that the free beer was Mich Ultra; also they only gave me one free beer. Of course any free beer is good beer, but I’m still not quite sure why they gave out a light beer when the whole point of drinking beer after a race is to replenish some carbs.
However, the real reason for writing this article is that I have discovered an awesome place to pick up chicks – at a circus. No, not really at a circus, but I thought it would be pretty obvious if I just went out and said a half marathon; besides, a circus is a horrible place to pick up single chicks – girls either go with their husband and kids, or they go with their boyfriends, no single girl goes to a circus with a group of her single girlfriends. But think about half marathons – the girls that run it are in shape, in-shape girls are attractive girls. If they aren’t in shape then you know that you can run away from them because you are also running a half marathon. If you aren’t in good enough shape to outrun the out of shape girls, then you don’t deserve to have the in-shape girls anyway.
Not only are these girls running in shape and therefore attractive, but they are also extremely motivated, and a lot of them are single because training and running are very solitary acts, and not many guys like to run for hours at a time – but you do. You already have an instant in because you have something in common, you both like running - that’s much better than any pickup line in a bar, except of course the one that goes like this: “My watch can tell me what color your panties are. It says you aren’t wearing any. Oh, you are wearing some? it must be an hour fast.” Zing. But really, don’t say that.
Bars are great, the salt of the earth and all that jazz, but going to a bar to pick up chicks can get old. It’s always the same old story, drink drink drink, slur a cheesy pick up line to a girl, and depending on how many drinks she’s had, she is either receptive to your advances, or she will kick you in the nuts. After a few too many rejections - and the subsequent kick in the nuts, running a half marathon doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. However, a half marathon is like a fancy bar, sans the nut kicking. All the girls there want to drink, and she will be a cheap date, too, because not only is the beer free, but after running 13.1 miles your body is so whipped that the smallest amount of alcohol will get you drunk.
The obvious problem here is that you’re not going to be taking a girl home with you. You’ll be way to sore and she’ll probably be too tired. But, half marathons aren’t a place you go for a one night stand, that honor is still reserved for bars (and some bars more than others), but you have a good chance of picking up a phone number or two. Getting phone numbers is very easy in this sort of situation. Girls don’t think that you are on the prowl and are therefore not on the defensive like they would be at a bar. Plus, everybody needs a good training partner!
Also, in situations of high stress or emotion people often misattribute the feeling of arousal (not the sexual kind, unfortunately) with whomever is around them. When you run a great distance, your body is going to release serotonin, which is a drug and does naturally what Oxycontin does pharmaceutically; it’s called a runner’s high. At the end of the race, that serotonin is still racing around the system and if you get to the girls soon enough, they are going to associate that feeling of a runner’s high with you. And trust me, it’s a lot nicer to have a runner’s high associated with you than the feeling that you’re about to throw up from drinking too much.
Now, it’s important that you realize that I am talking about half marathons here and not full marathons. Once you get into the realm of full marathons you start getting the truly hardcore people. The girls that look like sticks that haven’t eaten in months come out of the woodwork for these events. These girls are too dedicated, they won’t have time for you, and they are skinny to the point that they are unattractive. Stick with the half marathons - that’s where the hot amateurs stay.
Other posts by Justin
September 30th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Oh, that was TOO funny! I busted out laughing twice!!!!!!!!!!!
Carry on, son……..