The Drunken Blog

I’ve been told that there are two ways that people clean themselves after they poop. The first is to sit on the toilet and lean to the side so that you can reach a hand under and do God’s business. The second is to stand up and wipe. Pooping is a very private matter, so most people assume there’s only one way to wipe your ass because they’ve never seen anybody do it differently. It’s with this in mind that it confounds me that there are so many standards for buying drinks at a bar. Drinking is such a social event everybody should know what’s up.
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Recently I’ve been frequenting a fine establishment called McFadden’s. It’s located in Foggy Bottom, and I used to live within walking distance of it for about 4 months after I graduated. In that four month period, I think I went there once. But all that has changed. It changed because Mary won a free happy hour. And what’s more, all of her friends get $1 beers and rails during that time. The only problem with this awesome deal is the fact that it only happens on Tuesdays.

I used to go out drinking on Thursdays while I was in college, and I even resumed the trend after meeting some new friends that were still in college, but I never regularly drank on a Tuesday night. And here I am, having gotten drunk for the past three weeks in a row on a Tuesday night. You see, it’s not a huge deal when somebody wins the free happy hour, everybody eventually wins. In fact, the second time we went Jake and I signed up for the mailing list and Jake found out the next day that he won. I unfortunately did not, but I’m just waiting for my comeuppance.
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Have you ever obligated yourself to meet up with somebody that you know in your heart of hearts is just a plain bad idea, but somehow in a moment of weakness you did anyway? This usually happens with an ex when you are intoxicated, but that’s not always the case. I know personally there are some people that I like more when I’m in a certain kind of mood. I don’t know who those people are, or what that mood is, specifically, but I know it happens.

After you realize what you’ve done, you try desperately to get out of it, if you’re like most people. I, however, would rather sit through an awkward encounter than try to weasel my way out of it. If I say I am going to do something, I am going to do it, even if I’m drunk when I say it – as long as I remember. An example of this would be the other night when I was coming home from a happy hour in DC. I wasn’t driving, because I was drunk, and I tried to put on Mary’s bracelet as a necklace. The scary thing about that situation was the fact that it actually fit over my head and around my neck. The problem was that it didn’t fit on the way off. So I broke her brand new pearl bracelet the first time she got to wear it. I felt really bad about it and I told her I would replace it for her. She didn’t take me seriously, but the next day I sent her a tracking number for the new bracelet.

Of course, there was also guilt motivating me there, but in general if I say something I stick to it because I don’t like it when other people say they are going to do something just to assuage you when they really have no intention of doing said action at all. I’d rather just be told “No, I don’t think I’m going to do that.”
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I partook in one of my favorite pastimes the other night: tailgating for a baseball game. It was a Thursday game which meant that the weekend had basically started, which meant that I zoned out all day at work fantasizing about the game, or rather, about the drinking before the game.

I even went to the grocery store on my lunch break to pick up all the necessary supplies, including ice for the cooler. I bought 10 hamburgers, 14 hotdogs, 8 hamburger buns, 16 hotdog buns, cheese, milk, bread, sushi, a 24-pack of Bud Light, and of course ice. The milk, bread, and sushi were not for the game, we were just out of those things at home. We also had an additional 12-pack of Miller Lite back at the homestead.

Now, if you’re like me, you’re probably wondering why I didn’t get enough hamburger buns. What many people don’t realize is that hotdog buns are made out of the same material as hamburger buns and with a little engineering, you can use a hotdog bun on a hamburger.
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I awoke to the gentle music of my roommate’s alarm clock, it was 8am. This can’t be right, I thought to myself. Why am I awake? I had only been asleep for four hours when I heard the alarm. I thought I would be able to sleep despite the fact that it was on. I was mistaken. I was ridiculously tired, I still had a cold, and that damn music was still playing. It took me a while to figure out what the music was; after all, my roommate was out of town. I thought it was a dream at first, and then I heard it was country music, and I thought it was a nightmare. Then I realized that I was actually awake and I thought that perhaps my neighbors were having a raging country music party at eight in the morning.

I’m not exactly the best thinker first thing in the morning.

I turned on my computer. I was too tired to take a shower. I checked my e-mail, I had a message from my dad, it was about going to Atlantic City. He wanted to go at 10. I assumed that since he wanted to go, that’s when we were going to go. I played Guitar Hero; it was extremely difficult to do. I stopped playing and opted instead to sit. For an extended period of time. Eventually I called my dad to set things up, then I took a shower. The shower was amazing; it made me 8% more awake. I was still tired. And now I was hungry. I wanted food but my dad said he was bringing some sandwiches. I wanted some Chick-Fil-A. I told him this. He said to go and we would eat the sandwiches later. I was happy, but I was still hungry.

I called Mary. We had talked the day before and she said that she would come with me. I had a feeling that she might not. She did not come. That is sad. I went to Chick-Fil-A, it was still early so they only had breakfast. I was disappointed, but then I ate the food and I felt better. My dad was late coming to pick me up. We took his car but we should have taken mine. I have a EZ Pass which allows me to speed through tolls. There were a lot of tolls along the way.

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