The Drunken Blog

This is going to sound wrong, but bear with me. I often wonder what it would be like to be the most attractive girl in a room. What I mean by that is to be actively pursued by all of the eligible people in the room, and I specified attractive girl because if I was the most attractive guy in the room, well, girls typically don’t approach guys in the same way that a guy will approach an attractive girl. Also, you could go up to ten different girls and they would all give you a different definition of what a hot guy looks like (among the layman, anyway), unless it is someone universally hot like Brad Pitt. But, if you go up to 10 guys and ask what a hot girl looks like, they will all give you almost the same exact description, and the best part is, that description is not of some supermodel or Hollywood actress, it could be the porn star that’s in the room with you right now.

And while I will never know what if feels like to have everybody in the room pine over me, I did get a small taste of it the other night, and I have to say, it was odd. Being actively pursued, being the one that gets to say yes or no, that is an odd feeling.

Here’s the set up. I was at the pool all day on Saturday; I wasn’t doing anything strenuous, but somehow it seems that just sitting in the sun can wear you out. I went to the pool with several friends and I tried to invite them all to my buddy James’ housewarming party. He literally lives right across the street from me, so I was definitely going, and I was definitely going to get wasted, I mean, going to a party right across the street has the same advantages of having a party at your place (you have your own bed to sleep in, and to invite other people to sleep in with you), but none of the disadvantages, e.g., you don’t have to clean up after the party, or buy all the booze, or worry about inviting people, etc.

As such, I was excited about this party. I even cleaned up my room which I normally only do if I am procrastinating or if I am trying to impress somebody that’s coming over. It’s important to know that I never go out to any party or social gathering with the intention of hooking up with anybody. I prefer to have no expectations for the evening. With no expectations, I don’t get let down if nothing happens. It makes it easier for me to actually enjoy myself and the interactions I have with people if I don’t expect anything out of the night. It must have been that I was subconsciously planning on bringing somebody home that night, because I wasn’t procrastinating when I cleaned my room, and I even went so far as to finally hang the pictures that have just been sitting in my room since Christmas. My mom would be proud.

Of course, clean is a relative term, and my room was only clean to my standards, which are most likely lower than anybody else’s - ever. I was actually in the middle of cleaning my room when James called and told us we should come over, that the party had started. A few minutes prior to that call Jake and I had poured ourselves a couple nice Captain and Cokes. We took our time finishing them and then headed over to James’ place.

As soon as I walked in I could tell it was going to be an interesting night. When I use the word “interesting” in this situation, what I really mean is that I thought the night was going to be anything but. I walked in and I only knew one person, James. I was feeling kind of tired from doing nothing all day, and my stomach was uneasy, so I wasn’t in the best of moods to socialize, plus I didn’t really see anybody there worth socializing with, if you know what I mean. Most everybody there was friends with Bob, who is James’ roommate. If I had to guess I would say a lot of them were work friends.

At first glance this party was busted. I mean, it was entertaining enough for me to take the time to figure out how to fix James’ stereo, which involved me going on his computer, locating and then downloading the manual, then downloading and installing Acrobat so that I could actually open the manual, and then taking the time to actually read through the manual to find the solution to the problem. The party wasn’t all bad, though, the people that were there were nice enough, even if it was mostly guys and there weren’t any prospects. A notable conversation happened between Jake and Bob’s girlfriend, Karen, it was actually a pretty ironic conversation.

Karen is a new girlfriend of Bob, this was the first time that we had met her, or even heard about her. I’ve been told that the previous girl that Bob was dating was somewhat crazy, which may have had something to do with their breakup. Anyway, Jake asked Karen how they met, and she told him. She said that they met on St. Patty’s day, she was actually going out with somebody else at the time, but Bob and her hit it off. Apparently Karen and her now-ex-boyfriend were on the outs at the time of her and Bob’s meeting and not too long after their encounter she broke it off and Bob and Karen started dating.

This story basically made Jake’s night. It proved to him that boyfriends truly don’t matter. It definitely showed that just because a girl is dating a guy it is no reason not to meet her and plant the seed, even if her friends are trying to keep you away from her, which, by the way ladies, just makes us want to meet your friend even more. Now, Karen never cheated on her ex-boyfriend (to my knowledge, anyway), but Bob may have been some motivation for her to break it off. I couldn’t say, I really don’t know her at all.

Jake then pointed out the fact that Bob should now be careful because Jake had just met Karen, and what happened to Karen’s ex-boyfriend might also happen to Bob. Jake was of course joking, but I don’t think that Bob liked the joke.

The party progressed some and I heard whispers that more girls were on their way. Now, I’ve heard this a million times before, mostly from Jake, so I’m very skeptical when I hear that phrase. But it wasn’t Jake that said it this time, nor was it James, it was Karen. Her friends were on the way, or so she claimed.

The girls eventually did come and breathed a new life into the party. There were four of them. One was cute, a couple were nondescript, and one looked like the FFP for the group, it would turn out that actually two of them were FFP for the group.

Jake had an instant in with the cute girl of the group, Stacy. It seems that his company did work for the company at which Stacy was formerly employed. By the way, have I ever mentioned that Jake can be a greedy bastard?

Those two hit it off but I’m still not in the socializing mood (i.e., I’m not drunk yet). However, since everybody that was coming to the party was now there, we were about to head out to a bar. But before we could James stopped everybody and to see who wanted to take shots. I decided that if I’m going to have any fun tonight, I would have to force the issue, so I took a shot. It was Jäger, which I normally only drink in the form of a bomb, but it went down well enough. The four new girls that were there also took shots.

We headed off to the first bar, Rio Grande. It was relatively empty, which was good because we rolled up with about 20 people and we needed our space. I sat at a table, which was apparently the boring table. There were a couple of girls there, but they were unattractive and boring, and I think they were both taken anyway. I was actually in the middle of a conversation with one of them, literally mid-sentence, when Jake brought over Stacy and Jade. Jade was one of the middle attractiveness girls of the group that came over with Stacy. She wasn’t a girl that I would pursue on my own, but since she was placed in front of me, I was going to talk to her. Anything more than that and I would have to be pretty drunk, which I was on my way to becoming.

So Jake came over with Stacy and Jade and introduced us while I was mid-sentence. I stopped talking to the other girl and gave my attention to the new people at the table. Jake needed some wingman action and I was there to help. I never really thought that the other two girls in the group would interfere…

Now, I’ve talked about wingmen a lot, but it’s important to know that just because you are being a wingman for somebody doesn’t mean that you have to hook up with the girl you are trying to distract (although, if you do, your wingmanee may not heckle you for falling on a grenade for the cause), you simply have to occupy the girl until your friend gets the deed done. It just so happens that an easy way to occupy a girl while your friend and their friend are hooking up is to hook up yourself.

At first I went for the distraction without hooking up route. In order to do this, one needs to talk a lot, because if you’re talking, you’re not hooking up. So I talked and I talked and I talked. Normally I don’t talk that much, but the juice was flowing and I had an ultimate goal to my whimsical chat, which was ironically much different from the goal to just about every other conversation I have with girls. Apparently I said some very funny things, Jade was tickled pink by my banter, which I’m pretty sure was just me saying the first thing that came to my mind, which is usually a) insulting, b) ridiculous, c) nonsensical, or d) just plain stupid. However, if you are drunk enough, any of these things can be interpreted as funny.

Jade interpreted everything as funny, which was fine – I was doing my duty as wingman for Jake. Then a twist in the plot came. Jade leaned over to me and said, “Is your friend into Stacy?” I answered in the affirmative. Then she said, “They should make out.” But she didn’t whisper when she said it, she said it loud enough so that Jake and Stacy would easily be able to hear it. After some playful cajoling, and on the condition that Jade and I would make out, they did. It wasn’t until that point that I realized that Jade and Stacy were wingwomaning each other.

I didn’t even realize that girls thought like that. I mean, for guys it’s ingrained in our being. We, as the XY, are born hunters. We have to think about things like splitting up into groups and surrounding the prey so we can eat, while the ladies just sit at home and cook. Apparently sometime during the feminist revolution, women also learned how to hunt. I mean, I felt like one of the humans getting herded and hunted by the raptors in Jurassic Park – completely taken by surprise at their ability to plan out and execute an attack, and especially their ability to open a door.

So while I was wingmaning for Jake, Stacy was wingwomaning for Jade – it was an odd situation, especially considering the fact that I was still trying to prevent myself from hooking up by talking a whole lot. This plan pretty much fell by the wayside after that first dare to make out.

At this point I decided if I was going to do this, I had to do it all the way, balls deep. We left Rio Grande and were on our way next door to the American Tap Room. While on the way there, Jade told me how cute I was, I told her that my major in school was cuteology, with a minor in sexy. Yes, these were the kinds of lines I was saying all night long.

We got into the Tap Room and I ordered a drink for myself and Jake. Then I realized that Jade probably wanted a drink too, and it would be rude for me not to get one for her, so I did. Then I realized that Stacy was probably expecting Jake to get her a drink, but he wasn’t getting drinks this round because I was, so I ended up getting a drink for her as well. The bartender ended up making 3 trips to get drinks, I felt kind of bad, but not really.

Where I was ordering drinks was in the corner of the bar. Jade was there with me and wanted to make out with me, I could tell. I, however, was not particularly interested in making out any more than was necessary. I told her I didn’t like PDAs, which is true, although I have been known to make an exception to the rule of not making out in a bar. As I was declining her offer of more face time, I quickly threw back my drink and subsequently ordered another one. Balls deep.

I got my second drink and we walked back to where Jake and Stacy were. We noticed that the fourth girl of the group was standing nearby with a guy. This could bode well for Jake. A few minutes later we saw the guy leaving, but the girl stayed. Jake tried his hardest, but he could not get her to leave with him. Sorry for all of the pronouns, but I never caught the name of the girl. Jade would reference her by name, and I would have no clue who she was talking about, and then she would postface (look, I know it’s not a real word, but I don’t know what the equivalent of “preface” after a statement is called, and “afterward” can’t be used as a verb) the statement by saying “the big-boobed girl.” I would still be a little confused each time she said this because I was drunk, and also, while this girl did have big boobs, a more distinguishing feature would be the fact that she was the group’s FFP. The big boobs were just a byproduct of that FFP status.

By this time I was wasted, by the look on the face of the FFP, I could tell that time was running short and that FFP was going to enact her namesake shortly. I nudged Jake and told him that we should go back to the condo before things deteriorated. Did I mention I was wasted?

Jade and I led the way. Jake and Stacy didn’t immediately follow, but I knew they would find their way. When Stacy and I got back to the condo I gave her a quick tour, which I drew out for as long as possible (although, I do that with everybody for whom I give a tour).

We just sort of stood in the foyer for a while doing “whatever” when I got a little nervous. Jake, I felt, would be back any second, so I walked over to the door and locked it so that we would have some warning when he came. Jake would later tell me that he was actually right in front of the door when I locked it; he was apparently doing “whatever” out in the hallway.

Jake and Stacy eventually came in, with the other two girls of the group, including the FFP, nowhere in sight. Jake had apparently lost them. The only problem with his ingenious plan was the fact that everybody had cell phones. So the other two girls called Stacy and Jade and they managed to track us down. From there everything went down hill. The other two friends wanted to leave with Stacy and Jade. Stacy wanted to stay and Jade really really wanted to stay. But the other two friends wanted to leave more than the other two girls wanted to stay.

The girls all had a pow-wow together; I assumed they were comparing how much each wanted to stay versus how much the others wanted to leave. After their conversation, one of the girls took me aside and asked me what my intentions were with Jade. I told her I never have any intentions, or at least, my intentions always stay internal, because let’s face it, if any guy told any girl what his intentions actually were, how long do you think that girl would continue to talk to that guy? Or, if any guy told a girl’s friend what his intentions were, how long do you think that friend, especially if that friend is FFP, would let that guy hang out with that girl?

When I gave my response, the friend said it was a good response, but even that being said, they all still left. It was probably for the best, I mean, one man can only be so much of a wingman. I can certainly occupy one girlfriend, possibly even two (although unlikely), but occupying three friends is simply impossible, especially in this particular situation. I mused afterward that I should have suggested a foursome. After envisioning what the foursome might look like, I immediately regretted that the thought came to mind.

I have to admit, though, at the end of the night, I was slightly disappointed. I mean, sure I failed as a wingman, but it was a difficult situation, occupying 3 friends, but that’s not really what I was disappointed about. Maybe I’m just starved for attention and Jade fed that desire, but by the end of the night, I was kind of disappointed that we didn’t hook up. I mean, she did a really good job of making me feel like the prettiest girl in the room.

Other posts by Justin

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 10th, 2007 at 3:03 pm and is filed under politics, good times, friends, crazy theories, observations, alcohol, girls, Jake, James, Bob, Karen, Stacy, Jade . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.