The Drunken Blog

Beer goggles are a well known phenomenon. I mean, there are tons of shirts and posters out there that profess the greatness of the goggles, one of which claims “Alcohol: helping ugly people get laid since 1927.” And that is certainly true; it’s obvious that beer works as a facilitator for hooking up. And while you wouldn’t think that there would be any nuances or subtitles to beer goggles, there actually are.

I was having a conversation at lunch with my friend Jewpac the other day and she was quizzing me, trying to figure out the ugliest girl I would sleep with. I’m pretty sure that she thought I was trying to avoid answering the question completely because of all the conditional statements that I made while answering it, but these are simply the nuances of the beer goggles.

For example, while it may be true that I will hook up with a girl that is a (sober) 5, I won’t put forth any effort to do so. However, if she comes on to me while I’m drunk with an axe to grind, I’ll be too indifferent to tell her I am not actually a blacksmith. There is a point in attractiveness that you simply won’t take their business, but it’s a slide-scale that constantly changes depending on the time of night, the amount of alcohol imbibed, and the number of prospects available, among other things.

This is what happened when I was in Cancun. A girl literally pulled me off the dance floor by my junk back to her hotel. This girl was not ugly, but I never would have hit on her, and in my defense, I was powerless, I mean she literally had me by my junk – you can’t say no then less you want your junk crushed. That is pretty direct; in fact, I don’t think there is anything more direct than that. But most girls aren’t as direct, although they think they are.

I was recently informed that while I was doing volunteer work there was a girl with whom I apparently “had a chance.” But after having gotten little sleep on the previous night, not having eaten all day, and having been exposed to paint, paint thinner, and a lack of ventilation, I was not functioning at my full mental capacity. I was told that she was trying to talk to me and I just walked away. Certainly it wasn’t something that I would do intentionally, but the mere fact that I did it made me reply to my friend, “Unfortunately for her, she did not have a chance with me.” He later went on to tell me that she did a number of things which might warrant a title of “ho”.

Something like this can also happen if you are drunk - you get distracted as somebody is hitting on you and you don’t realize that they are, either because you saw something shiny or because their idea of hitting on you is complimenting your shoes. I’m sorry, but without the second part of that pick up line, it has no power (the full line being, “nice shoes, wanna fuck?”).

The rules are different when you hit on girls. Alcohol actually works double-time here. Not only do you become more confident in your ability to get with attractive girls, you start thinking that less attractive girls are more attractive. However, up to a certain point of alcohol, you realize that there are finite limits that you can obtain in terms of attractiveness; that 10 won’t go for you, at least not until you’re blowing a .35. Interestingly, you will most likely continue to hit on girls in your comfort “attractiveness band”, thus cancelling out the effects of the booze. Let me give you an example.

There is a girl that, if you were sober, you would hit on, because it would probably be a sure thing. She’s not really attractive enough to turn you down, let’s say she’s a 5. Then you start drinking, your confidence is rising, you now feel confident enough to hit on a 6. You look at the same girl, who now magically happens to be a 6. You continue to drink; you now think you can get a girl that is an 8. That girl that you saw before is amazingly hot right now - she’s an 8, so you go talk to her.

And while it may not be the same exact girl each time that you see, the concept is still the same and you will continue to hit on girls that are about the same in terms of absolute attractiveness all night.

Something that is indifferent to whom is hitting on who is something I like to call the “do I know you?” effect. It’s a pretty simple concept: if you are drunk and you have previously met somebody and know them to be unattractive you are less likely to hook up with them (solely on the basis of appearance) than if you had never met them before. The reason for this is somewhat simple, having met the person before, you have a standard for this person. You know what they normally look like, and any extra attractiveness is attributed to the alcohol. Of course, at a certain point, this no longer matters and you’ll hook up with anything that will let you.

The results can be quite different for somebody you haven’t seen in a while. If you knew a girl to be unattractive a couple of years ago and you are drunk when you see her for the first time in that time period, regardless of whether you she actually has become more attractive, you will think she has. This is the alcohol talking – be careful. However, if you are sober for your reunion and then proceed to get drunk the results will be the opposite as you have reset the baseline standard and will have to get very drunk to overcome that.

In fact, I think that should be a new drinking game, drink until the ugliest chick in the bar becomes the hottest. You may think that this is impossible because all the attractive girls would also get more attractive with more alcohol. So, in order to win, you would have to get so drunk that you can’t see straight so you can’t focus on the normal sized girls, thus rendering them invisible to you. Now you can only see the fatty, and by default, she becomes the hottest girl in the room. Prepare to be heckled.

Other posts by Justin

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007 at 3:53 pm and is filed under crazy theories, observations, alcohol, girls . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.