The Drunken Blog

A friend recently sent me an article that basically said that drinking fruity drinks is good for you. Apparently the alcohol ups the antioxidants in fruit. Of course, in the article it says a “splash” of alcohol is what makes it better, therefore, drowning the fruit in alcohol makes it even better, I’m sure (that’s why the jungle juice we made was so good).

Most guys have an aversion to drinking fruity cocktails (aka, girl drinks). I’m sure there are several reasons for it. Guys are supposed to like beer and hard liquor. Guys are supposed to get drunk despite the fact that Natty Light tastes like urine from a billy goat. If a guy isn’t man enough to endure that acrid taste until he’s drunk enough to not taste it, than he is ripe for ridicule.

Girl drinks were actually invented, not surprisingly, by guys in an attempt to get girls drunk. Most girls are immune to the mocking and jeering that comes along with not drinking the same stuff that the stereotypical guy does. And the reason that they are immune is not because they have thicker skin and can simply take the abuse, but because guys do not berate girls for not drinking beer. I mean, think about it this way, if you are trying to hook up with a girl, are you going to constantly make fun of her and make her feel worthless?

So instead of banging our collective heads against the wall trying to figure out a way to get girls to drink beer and mixed drinks with only two ingredients, we instead take it a step further and try to completely mask the taste of the alcohol. This works on three levels. To a girl, the colors are very attractive. I mean, if you’re a girl, would you rather drink a drink that looks like a coke, or something that looks like it came down from heaven with some of the most marvelous colors and garnish that you have ever seen?

Secondly, since these girl drinks are so complicated, playing “stump the bartender” becomes a fun game for them. They like to see who can come up with the most complicated drink possible, and if they find a bartender that can make that drink they will keep coming back. The third level on which these girl drinks work is that nobody can taste the alcohol in them. It really tastes like you’re drinking a fruit smoothie, and in some of these drinks there is a ton of alcohol.

If you haven’t noticed yet, girls judge their drunkenness in a different way than guys do. They don’t actually know when they are getting drunk so to calculate their perceived BAC they use a complicated formula based on such factors as how much alcohol they think is in their drink, their perceived tolerance, how cute are the guys she’s with, how drunk do the guys think she needs to be for her to go home with them, etc.

To give an example of this archaic formula, let’s say there is a girl at a bar and she’s drinking beers. The guy she’s with is sleazy, but he’s cute. This means that she will have to act pretty drunk, but she’s drinking beer, and she knows that there is “a lot” of alcohol in beer. After only two beers she starts to act tipsy. Her BAC may only be a .02, but she thinks she is at a .08 at this point.

Compare this to a girl that is drinking girl drinks. She can’t taste the alcohol so she drinks 4 of these things. Little does she know that they actually have 3 shots worth of alcohol each. She as absolutely wasted at this point, but she doesn’t realize it. Her actual BAC would probably be a .16 at this point, but she might as well think that she’s been drinking virgin drinks.

The biggest difference between these two girls is that while the first one may have convinced herself she is drunk, she knows that she is “drunk”, which inherently defeats the point of being drunk, because she takes that into account when she makes her decisions. The second girl, on the other hand, has no idea that she is drunk. She continues thinking that her decisions are good ones. She even thinks that she is speaking coherently.

Now, I don’t exactly see girl drinks taking off because they are now considered “healthy”, let’s not get carried away here, girls are still going to realize these are alcoholic drinks, not health drinks. In fact, most girls won’t even realize that this study was conducted, and that is your perfect opportunity to score some major points. Here’s how it goes down.

You are at the bar, you ask a girl what she wants to drink. She says she wants some fruity cocktail. Instead of talking to her in a condescending tone like she is an eight-year-old, instead say this: “Oh, what a great choice, I should have guessed you are a health nut.” She will have no idea what you are talking about, but she’ll be happy to get the compliment. She will coyly say something along the lines of “What are you talking about?” And then you come in with the study, “Well, there was just a study released that said that these fruity cocktails are actually very healthy for you, the alcohol increases the antioxidants in the fruit.”

She’ll have no clue what you’re talking about, let’s face it, nobody actually knows what antioxidants are, but congratulations, you just validated her drinking. Instead of possibly feeling guilty about drinking she will now feel great about drinking, and she will drink a lot. You’d be amazed at how well off-handed compliments work. The key is to say the compliment, and then pretend like you didn’t realize you were complimenting her. However, you have to make sure that she realizes that you are actually complimenting her.

One thing to note is that girls that order girl drinks can often times be trifling. It really depends on the age of the girl. If you are getting an 18 year old drunk (shame on you) then it’s normal for her to order a girl drink because she hasn’t acquired a taste for alcohol yet. However, if a 43 year old cougar is getting you drunk, and she’s ordering girl drinks, you’ve got an issue. Generally, girls that order girl drinks are higher maintenance. Just think about this, if they never took the time to acquire a taste for beer, it’s most likely because they are rich and spoiled, or because they don’t really drink enough. Either way, it means they aren’t going to be a “one of the guys” type girls; which means she doesn’t like watching sports or any other guy type thing.

Another thing to keep in mind is that these girls don’t pay for these drinks. They are too damn expensive. So if you found a girl drinking these things, I hope you brought your platinum card, and while you’re at it, you might as well get wasted so you don’t feel the pain when you sign for your tab.

In a somewhat related note, one of my favorite shows growing up was Kids in the Hall. Those crazy Canadians always managed to make me laugh. One of my favorite sketches (aside from the “I’m squishing your head” sketch) was the girl drink drunk sketch. I have a feeling this video may get taken down, so if that is the case, here is the transcript of the show, not nearly as funny as the clip, but it may have to do.

Other posts by Justin

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 26th, 2007 at 8:31 am and is filed under observations, video, alcohol, girls, News . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.