The Tao of Karaoke
There are three types of people in this world: People who can sing; people who can’t sing; and people who think they can sing, but really can’t. There is, however, a common ground where all of these people can come together and enjoy their abilities (or inabilities) in a common environment: the karaoke bar.
Location
Karaoke bars come in many shapes in sizes. There are those that have a karaoke night once a week, there are those that do nothing but karaoke, and then there are dive bars that also offer karaoke. The latter is definitely the best karaoke bar if you truly appreciate the Tao of karaoke.
Dive bars are dank, smoke filled and swanky. This makes them the best place to go for karaoke. You don’t have to worry about anyone important seeing you make an idiot of yourself in a dive bar. Even if they do, they must admit they were there in the first place to call you out. You will find many colorful people at a dive bar [such as Nick Carter -ed], which usually brings a broad spectrum of music from the assembled patrons.
The People
You’ll find all sorts of crazy characters at a karaoke bar. This is why you should always go to a karaoke bar with a group: safety in numbers… and more people to laugh at you. There are certain types of people you will find at every karaoke bar, no matter what.
The Drunk – Ok, every bar has one. This guy is way too drunk. The problem is that he thinks he can sing. Yeah, it’s funny… for the first minute of Freebird. This guy couldn’t find a note with a spotlight and it doesn’t help that he’s singing from memory because he can’t even read the prompter anymore. Hopefully, you have a good DJ who will cut the guy (or girl) off because the bartender sure as hell won’t.
The American Idol – A lot of you know where I’m going with this one. Every karaoke bar has the star who’s singing their heart out like there are millions of people voting for them. Maybe they’re good… it’s a lot funnier if they’re not. This is their time to shine. It’s the highlight of their life. Hence, one must be careful when dealing with an American Idol. This person lives and breathes karaoke. Karaoke is not fun; it’s everything. Any attempt to sully the altar of karaoke by injecting humor into the procedure will bring cold stares at the minimum; if not a full on ass-chewing or even an all-out bar brawl (See The Jackass).
The Hipster – This person is here solely for the sanctity of the music. This person is almost a variety of the American Idol, but the Hipster isn’t suffering under the delusion that they can actually sing. The Hipster puts hours of thought into song selection, ensuring the most boring and obscure song in the catalog. That’s art. The Hipster is easily confused with an Emo kid – the only observable difference is the Hipster doesn’t sport a backpack. Also known as the Buddy Holly, because of the thick black glasses he wears, he has a greaser hairdo and a black Johnny Cash t-shirt, possibly with tattered jeans. A particularly hard Hipster may even have a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeve; even though he doesn’t actually smoke.
His girlfriend will be in Goth-garb. She’ll have dyed black hair, fishnet stockings and some sort of tattoo. This guy is not afraid to tell you you’re ruining the atmosphere with your rendition of “Come Sail Away”. Normally, when confronted with a Hipster, I would suggest taking his glasses and snapping them in half so he can’t see you anymore. But, the glasses aren’t prescription, they’re just for looks. So, you’ll have to be crafty. Tell him you saw someone breaking into a gas-electric hybrid out in the parking lot and he’ll spirit away to ensure the safety of his wicked hot CD collection.
The Jackass – This is the best type of person at a karaoke bar. The Jackass seeks only to entertain. There is no song too cheesy for the Jackass. The Jackass rarely has any musical ability and flaunts that fact. The songs chosen by the Jackass are the songs everyone likes, or at least likes to laugh at. This person does cause friction on occasion, but only with those who do not appreciate the Tao of Karaoke. This is the only type of person I’m not completely sure is at every karaoke bar; but there’s always one at every karaoke bar I’m at, because I’m there.
The Song Selection
Song selection is key. A karaoke song must stimulate the audience. If it’s not a song that everyone can enjoy then save it for the shower. Keep in mind your audience. If you’re in a country karaoke bar, don’t pick Guns & Roses. There are certain songs that are a sure thing at a karaoke bar. These songs will be cheered by all patrons in the bar, regardless of age, sex or race. However, this is dependent on geographical location. These hits are so certain that you can actually tell which part of the country you’re in just by the success of the song.
Northeast – Northerners love Bon Jovi – and rightfully so. A sure thing in a northern karaoke bar is either “You Give Love a Bad Name” or “Livin’ on a Prayer.”
South – Lynyrd Skynyrd – Sweet Home Alabama – Some people will vary it a little bit and insert their state into the chorus. Kudos for adlibbing.
Midwest – John Cougar Mellencamp – Jack and Diane – I’ve seen John Cougar Mellencamp in concert in the Midwest… and he could have taken home any woman there, be they 16 or 60. It was a little creepy.
West – I’ve never had the pleasure of singing karaoke on the west coast, but I’ll go with my gut on this one and say Tom Petty. Go with “Free Falling” or “Last Dance With Mary Jane.”
The truly daring will forgo the sure thing and work purely on showmanship. This is often true of people playing The Game.
The Game
Most people don’t know this, but it’s possible to turn karaoke into an epic f*&king battle. This is known as “F U Karaoke.” The game is simple: you choose the song that your opponent must sing. You choose the most embarrassing, effeminate, demeaning song for your opponent and invariably, when they are called up to sing and find out your choice their response will be “Aww… f*&k you!” If a contestant refusing to sing the selected song, or does not sing with full conviction, they must buy a round.
This game is truly genius when the song selection is adequate. For example, my friend once hit me with “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls and I countered with “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks. It’s a great game, but it must be played with caution. The American Idols and Hipsters of the world will be truly offended by this affront to karaoke. Even some normal people will be mildly annoyed, so it’s important to only play this game in a dive bar.
The Tao of Karaoke
Karaoke is meant to be fun. It’s meant to be enjoyed as a collective. Don’t let some spoiled sport ruin your karaoke experience. It’s about getting up on stage and giving it everything you’ve got; even if you come off like William Hung. Don’t be afraid to adlib or change your singing style in order to get a rise out of the crowd. Get up there and own the audience like you’re Bruce F’ing Springsteen. And most importantly… get really drunk first.
Other posts by Doug