The Drunken Blog

I liked the movie Wedding Crashers. I didn’t love it, I liked it. The new show on NBC looks to be of Fox quality. It kind of makes me wonder if the creators of the show pitched it to Fox first; Fox declined, so they pitched the show to NBC and said, “Well, we know we normally go to Fox first with these types of shows, but we thought we’d give you a chance.” And of course NBC had to snap it up, not realizing that Fox had passed on the show. I haven’t actually seen the show but I imagine it being bad enough for Fox to pass on.

So it was with much chagrin that I semi-crashed a wedding this weekend. In fact, saying that I semi-crashed it is pretty misleading. Two friends that I know were getting married. I call them friends, but they are more friends of a friend, not being invited to the wedding is certainly understandable, in fact I would have been extremely surprised if they invited me to the wedding. I was also quasi-invited. And by that I mean our mutual friend invited me to go to the bars after the reception; so when I say I semi-crashed the wedding, I knew the couple, and I was sort of invited anyway.

This was going to be a long day.

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I want to get this drunk

Because I know you are too lazy to actually click the link I’ll sum it up for you: some guy from Germany was at a bar and he was riding his horse home. Somewhere along the way he decided he was “too drunk” and too cold to make it the rest of the way home, so he went into the lobby of a bank to rest. When he found out there was no hitching post at the bank (No hitching post, are we living in the 2980’s?!), he decided he would have to bring is horse in with him.

First of all, the article said it was cold outside and that’s why the rider went in the bank. Not because he felt that he was too drunk. Well, let me tell you something, if you are drunk enough to pass out in a bank lobby with your horse, you are drunk enough so that you won’t feel the cold outside. He was probably just really tired and he thought the bank was his home. He was confused when he couldn’t find the hitching post, but by that point it was too late to reconsider, so he went into the bank, passed out, and then used the cold as an excuse the next morning.

What a genius idea; you ride a horse while you’re drinking so that you can’t get in trouble for drinking and driving. The same can’t even be said for riding a bike! As far as I know, there are no laws saying that you must be of sound mind to operate a horse.

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A friend recently sent me an article that basically said that drinking fruity drinks is good for you. Apparently the alcohol ups the antioxidants in fruit. Of course, in the article it says a “splash” of alcohol is what makes it better, therefore, drowning the fruit in alcohol makes it even better, I’m sure (that’s why the jungle juice we made was so good).

Most guys have an aversion to drinking fruity cocktails (aka, girl drinks). I’m sure there are several reasons for it. Guys are supposed to like beer and hard liquor. Guys are supposed to get drunk despite the fact that Natty Light tastes like urine from a billy goat. If a guy isn’t man enough to endure that acrid taste until he’s drunk enough to not taste it, than he is ripe for ridicule.

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Making a drink the requires more than entire handle of a liquor that is so potent that you have to travel to another state where it’s not illegal just to procure it can only end in good times.

For a couple of years in college I was on a sign stealing kick. I recently gave away most of my stolen signs, which was pretty depressing. But during that period we somehow came into possession of a giant cooler that stores normally use. I’m pretty sure the roommate that nobody really liked stole it and gave it to us, much in the same way a dog will give the gift of a dead bird to its owners.

We had this cooler in our place for a while, so we decided we might as well get some use out of it. While it would be very easy to put ice in it and then fill it with beers, this seemed too amateur, we were too good for that. We decided a vat of jungle juice would be appropriate.

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Sometimes I feel bad for sober people; the stuff they have to endure while around drunk people is staggering. The other night I got pretty wasted. I went over to my friend’s house at around 6 for a cookout; he had just gotten a new keg from a local brewery. Fresh hefeweizen – for some reason I thought it tasted like it should be a seasonal fall beer, but here’s an interesting factoid about beer - it tastes good year ’round.

I kept drinking that for the next four hours, as well as some homemade cherry porter. Basically what it equates to is before heading out for the night I was wasted. This is of course how you want to do it, because it means a lot cheaper bar tab, even though that shouldn’t have been an issue this night because we were going to my buddy’s bar.

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There are three types of people in this world: People who can sing; people who can’t sing; and people who think they can sing, but really can’t. There is, however, a common ground where all of these people can come together and enjoy their abilities (or inabilities) in a common environment: the karaoke bar. (more…)

This weekend I will be getting wasted.  My weekend starts tonight, on a Thursday.  You see, I just got my first raise at my newest job, a paltry 2.3% raise, which is a mere .2% over the projected inflation for the year.  My raises were larger in both percentages and actual dollars when I worked at Circuit City, and those were biannual, which meant I got two of them per year.  And while I’m always glad to be making more money (it works out to about one extra night per month of moderate drinking at a bar), I’m pretty pissed off that it is such a little amount.

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Visiting friends at their college is a perfectly normal thing to do.  However, this is not something that I normally do.  I have visited my fair share of alternate colleges, but usually not to meet up with any of my friends.  In fact, that I can recall I have only gone to a college one time to specifically meet up with a friend.

On this particular trip to JMU I met up with a friend that I had no intention of meeting, and in fact, I didn’t even realize that he went to JMU, which makes sense, because he didn’t actually “go” to JMU in the literal sense, he more or less went “around” JMU.  This will make sense shortly.

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There are moments in life that can be very sobering. So sobering, in fact, that they make you forget about the silly little things in life like the proper protocol for being a wingman or what to say to strangers at bars. Yesterday was one of those moments.

We are based in Virginia, in case you didn’t know. So everyone involved in the blog has friends or friends of friends who were on or around campus at the time. It has hit close to home.

Let us take this moment to send our thoughts and prayers to those affected and their families. This world can be an ugly place, but we are with you.

I learned an important life lesson last night. Several actually, but the biggest is that just because a place has a bar in it does not make the entire place worthy of the title “bar”. For instance, last night I went to a lounge, which had a bar in it, but it definitely was not a bar.

The entire night was an interesting experience. I had to work late on a Friday and I had to be at work on Saturday, as well. So as soon as I got home around 7 I started drinking. Then I played some Guitar Hero, which happens to be my game of the moment. I noticed that the more that I drank the lower my scores got. Imagine that. It was funny because I could actually feel my coordination leaving me. I would see the note come across the screen. I would know which button to push, I would tell my finger to push that button, but somewhere in between the message was lost.

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