The Drunken Blog

Everybody knows what Uggs are, but a lot of people don’t know what LUGs are. I am here to explain that to you, and many other things, which you would think I really shouldn’t know anything about, and yet, somehow I do.

I might even go so far as to say that I am an expert in the subject. It’s not a hard field to become an expert in, it just requires a lot of dedication, and LUGs are something to which I am willing to wholeheartedly dedicate myself. For the uninformed, a LUG is actually a handy acronym and stands for Lesbian Until Graduation.

Yes, this is a post about lesbians. Sadly, I’ve given this subject a lot of thought, probably more thought than is healthy. But in my defense, I had a high school girlfriend leave me for another chick, so I have some insight into the matter, or at the very least I am allowed to pretend like I do.

There are four types of lesbians by my count: the LUG, the true lesbian, the bisexual, and the teaser, which some might classify as a subcategory of LUG.

LUGs are girls that are in college and just try out being a lesbian for a while because they are liberal-tree-hugging-pot-smoking hippies. These girls are usually hot, but not necessarily. These girls usually had a perfectly normal upbringing and you probably wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a crowd. They become a LUG because they just got to college and maybe they are drinking for the first time, maybe they’re doing drugs for the first time, maybe they aren’t in Catholic school for the first time, with so many “firsts” why not do girls for the first time?

This, however, is a stage that they grow out of once they realize that life is not just one huge party and at some point in their lives they will have to be responsible (usually around the same time that the “I want a baby” bug hits – it’s kind of hard to conceive with another girl). I have never actually seen any examples of this type of lesbian. Maybe it is because I’m not on the lesbian circuit and these girls blend in so well with normal girls. Ironically, this is the one type that I’ve actually read about for a class. Maybe my teacher was using a fictional book and just testing the waters to see if any LUGs would out themselves…

Next is the true lesbian. I should start off with the obvious and say that all true lesbians are ugly. This is not the lesbian that you see in porn, or the two hot chicks you see making out in the bar. No, these lesbians are the short fat chicks that hate men. They wear punk outfits and jean jackets and they have short hair. They are often bitter at the world for dealing them such shitty cards. They also hate attractive girls because they feel inadequate compared to them. In their defense, they were never really given a chance to be straight because they were probably ridiculed by both boys and attractive girls while they were in school, their only solace was other ugly lesbians.

I want to quickly take this opportunity to point out my personal views on gayness, which is to say that I don’t think that people are necessarily born gay (some are, some are made gay), but people definitely do not choose to be truly gay, just like I don’t choose to be straight, it’s just the way we are.

You may be asking yourself, “But Justin, if you say that girls don’t chose to be a lesbian, then what do you mean when you say they weren’t given a chance?” Of course, I know you aren’t actually asking that question, because people don’t really pay attention to my writings.

On that note, a friend and I were discussing this subject, and she brought up the fact that she had an attractive lesbian friend that she claimed was a lesbian since the time she was five. I’ve seen the picture, and I can verify that she is leaps and bounds above your typical lesbian in terms of appearance. However, based on nothing more than a gut instinct (and maybe the need to prove myself correct), I said that she looked like a girl that could have had a “rough” upbringing. She claims that this lesbian did not, but it’s not exactly something that people are proud of and volunteer information about.

Attractive lesbians are also more likely to be bisexual if only because while they are growing up they want to fit into the social norm, and part of the social norm is being hit on by guys if you are an attractive girl. It may only postpone the inevitable, and the entire time they may prefer the company of girls, but in my book that makes you bi.

On the topic of bisexuals - they are often times attractive. These are the girls you see in porn. These girls may be primarily lesbians, but they still get with guys, because guys are going to hit on attractive girls. These girls grew up and they were probably popular because they did outlandish things. Maybe they were promiscuous, maybe they just did a lot of crazy activities, whatever – they did what you wish you had the balls to do. It’s also possible, however, that the exact opposite was true of their upbringing and they were the brooding dark chick that is pissed off at society. Whatever the case may be, there is never a mild mannered bisexual.

These girls, for the most part, are damaged goods, and not just because they have lots of sex. These girls have attachment problems out the ass, usually from some sort of abuse as a child. It’s sad, but true. Being abused as a child is how a lesbian is made, if they weren’t already born that way. It doesn’t necessarily have to be physical or sexual abuse either, emotional abuse can create some pretty fun attachment issues or daddy hating tendencies, which of course translate to they want to get back at their dad, or they want to avoid their dad (although, in all actuality, girls tend to try to find a man like their father. Another way to look at it would be to say that they choose a man or woman that is terribly different from the father figure, but still creates a self-destructing relationship similar to the one they had with their father, at least according to Freud.). So, while these girls may be fun to watch, you really don’t want to be involved with them. (Sorry about all that extra information, I’m a psych major, I couldn’t help myself.)

The teasing girls are probably the most fun. These girls aren’t really lesbians, but they will make out with other girls. Occasionally they will THB their female counterpart. If a challenge has been laid by somebody in the group (along the lines of: take off your shirt), the teasing girl will be the first to offer help. And by offer help I mean take off the girl’s shirt. They will also be the first to do body shots, and anything along those lines. It’s not really a sexual thing - they are extremely comfortable with their own and their friend’s body and aren’t afraid to show it, especially when the liquid courage is flowing. If you are cynical you might even think that this is an unconscious way to prevent unsavory gentleman from flirting with these girls, and maybe it is, but I guess you can just consider me an optimist, because I see the glass half full of two girls making out.

Every girl ever born can fit into this category, except of course, the girls in the previous three categories. All girls have some lesbian tendencies. I don’t know why this is, as guys would never ever do anything like that, but I’m certainly not going to complain. Plus, I don’t feel the need to try to figure out something as beautiful as two girls making out at a bar, I just sit back and enjoy, letting my second brain do the thinking.

Other posts by Justin

This entry was posted on Friday, January 5th, 2007 at 1:13 pm and is filed under crazy theories, observations, alcohol, girls . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.