The Drunken Blog

I was having a very casual conversation with a good friend of mine on gtalk and somehow or another we got to talking about websites. I commented that I have been working on websites in one form or another for about 10 years, and I showed him a link to that site (last updated 2002!). I went through and noticed that I had pictures from prom, with my prom date, who turned into a lesbian, not a LUG, mind you, but a full fledged lesbian.

Let me take you back to a more magical time in my life. I was a junior in high school and on the school newspaper. This girl, I’ll call her Clinton, was also in my class. I didn’t particularly take notice of her, I wasn’t exactly at a relationship point in my life (I had tried one freshman year and that’s when I learned that relationships are more than just a title, you have to do stuff). She, however, noticed me. She was also a senior, which may have been another reason that I didn’t notice her, I was very strict on the staying within your own grade rule, more for my own protection than anything else. I quickly learned that was stupid, especially since I am usually the youngest in my group.

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The time finally came, for the third time in 6 months, I was moving once again. After graduation I had to move out of my apartment, so I moved into my dad’s apartment in DC. It was a pretty sweet location, but it sucked for where I was. Then my dad got rid of that apartment, so I went to live with my grandma in Maryland. That was pretty bad, so now I’m glad to be in my permanent housing in Reston.

I’ve learned that I am a bit of a hoarder, not quite to the extent of an OCD person, but I keep more than I should. And it sucks, because moving that stuff is hard, especially when you have convinced yourself that you need to move the stuff in one trip, whether it be from grandma’s house to the new place, or from the car to the apartment. What can I say, I like to one-trip-it.

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I was going to write a post about how I suck at being sober. I was going to start it off by saying that I was the opposite of a bad drunk, I was a bad sober. But you can’t be a bad sober, sober is an adjective that describes me. Drunk, on the other hand, is an adjective, verb, and noun all rolled into one. I can’t, for the life of me, think of a replacement for sober that is a noun, and I’m pretty good at pulling words out of my ass.

This, of course, means that I get to make up a word. This is no easy task; the word “drunk” has certain connotations to it, so this new word will have to have its own connotations to it. And since I get to make those connotations because I am making the word, the connotations will be negative, because let’s face it – who wants to be teetotal? I decided this was not something that I could do on my own, so I enlisted the help of my good friend Doug, who often writes guest posts here.

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When I got to the “real world”, which is surprisingly similar to the fantasy world in which I have apparently been living for the past 22 years of my life, I learned that one of the phrases you hear the most at a job is “billable hours.” A billable hour is basically work that you do that you charge to a project, you can also think of it as man-hours - how many man-hours is this task going to take to complete? Then you have to make sure you get the right billing code so you can charge your time to the correct project, otherwise you are doing the work for free, or making another project pay for it.

This translates to the romantic world, too. It’s definitely a guy thing (since it relates to business metaphor, and clearly, guys are the only ones that should be in the literal or figurative business world). But don’t worry ladies; it’s a guy thing in a bad way. You see, we, as guys, invest a lot of time to hang out with girls. We give up a lot of things, like playing video games or using the Internet (and that’s asking a lot) to hang out with you. But there is an ulterior motive.

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It’s Friday night and I’m in one of the most happening cities I’ve ever been to: Nashville. Meer blocks away, thousands of scantly clad cowgirls are shaking their honky-tonk ba-donka-donks to country music like it’s going out of style (shaking their booties, not country music.) Like wild horses, they travel in herds and they consider it their patriotic duty to surround and entertain guys like me… at least, until Toby Keith shows up. But still– God Bless America.

So why am I sitting in my hotel room writing this entry? Because I’m sick. Not sick enough to go to the doctor, but just sick enough to keep me from going out and enjoying myself. It’s true, I’m just passing through on my way to my next assignment, so I can’t complain too much. But, my nose is stuffed up so I sound like Beaker from the Muppet Show and my left eye looks like I have pink eye thanks to a bit of scratching from my contact lens, so going out on the town tonight would be pointless. And since my hotel has neither HBO nor pay-per-view, I figured this would be a suitable alternative.

I shall recall better times… Two weeks ago, some fellow government workers and I decided to spend the weekend in Atlanta for a pre-emptive celebration of our impending promotions. We went to the Buckhead area of Atlanta, which is known for having over 100 bars in a square mile radius. It did not disappoint. (more…)

Recently a certain article came across my desk, I read it and I was absolutely appalled. Since I know clicking on a link is a lot of work, I’ll give you the long and short of it – think Gattaca, except backwards, where parents genetically engineer their kids so that they have the same genetic defect as their parents. A practical application would be a couple of midgets, or little people, whatever you want to call them, who have their baby engineered so it is dwarfed like the parents. Heaven forbid two midgets have a normal sized kid.

At first I thought I would write up something condemning the practice, but I thought that would be too easy, I mean, there are a million reasons why this is a horrible idea. And the jokes were just too easy. Just talking to the friend that gave me the link:

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I thought it was pretty cool so I decided to post it.

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I recently received a request for more videos on my site. At first I was kind of hesitant, but now I’ve come to think that videos of people doing drunk things are even funnier than pictures of people doing drunk things. Alcohol is an amazing thing, especially when there is a video camera involved.

I’ll put each movie, and then a short description of what is actually happening in the movie after.
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It’s safe to say that I am drunk right now. It’s a Friday night, and I am sad. I went to went to work, and I remembered that there was a company sponsored happy hour, which made me happy. But I was sad because I thought I might miss the happy hour because my boss might make me stay late, but she realized that there was a happy hour and let me go.

So I went to the happy hour and I drank 5 Sam Adam’s Winter Brew’s in an hours time. Feeling like something was going to happen on this magical Friday night, I stopped by the liquor store on my way back to my car. Clearly a good idea.

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If you’ve ever hosted a party, or at least crashed at somebody’s place after a party, then you know what a mess a house or apartment can be after.  If it was a good party there will be cans as far as the eye can see.  If it was a really good party, most of those cans will have beer in them.  These of course are called floaters and most people think of them as bad things, but I’m here to tell you they should not be called floaters but “victory half-full-to-mostly-full beverages” – I’m still working on a more succinct title.

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